ECHOES OF HER VOICE
About Echoes of Her Voice
Echoes of Her Voice is my senior thesis project that explores the effects on self-identity by toxic parent dynamics. It explores the complicated relationship between self and family through the lens of motion design, kinetic type, and audio.
There are different factors that take part of shaping identity, family relationships is one big factor since we grow up with them. Our families play a crucial role in our development as a person.
My thesis highlights how self-worth is affected by negative influences and emotional neglect, raising the existential question about the thought of cutting relations with family. Through the perspective of a grown adult, we begin to reflect on the ”red flags” we ignored or endured in the past, which often brings us to the question “Am I a bad person for wanting to cut my mother/father off?”
The outcome of this thesis is to connect with others who are going through a similar situation that they are not alone and battling these thoughts, to remind them that they are not a reflection of their family but their own person. While there are people that can’t relate living in a “toxic” household, it is a human experience that family is a form of identity and how it’s rooted in developing self-identity.
Estranged family relationships deeply impact self-identity affecting confidence, mental health, and value. The act of breaking away from these relationships is often emotionally challenging and leads us to question our own morals of family, however, distancing from a toxic parental figure is needed for self-growth and healing. My thesis video is a visual journey through the perspective of people whose self-identity is affected by their parents.
Breaking away from these relationships is difficult but necessary for one’s mental health if needed - Others may not want to cut off their parents but keep a distance and that is entirely fine as well for those who want to mend their relationship. Overall, a journey of reflection for both affected individuals and parents - healing and growth
The psychological effects of toxic parents may lead to mirrored behaviors onto the individual. It takes time for a person to come to terms that actions and words they endured by their parents are damaging. Recognizing these type of behaviors can help avoid repeating the same habits and growing into a better individual.
Self-identity is a continuous process and always evolves over time. Leaving behind negative influences and environments makes us free to be ourselves rather than being tied down and value undermined.
Entering adulthood we start exploring independently and questioning the values that were taught to us by our parents. By focusing my thesis to highlight my own experience, I aim to create a personal and authentic representation of the influence of identity from strained parent relationships. In making it personal, I hope to connect with others who may have shared the same experiences, unlearn these bad patterns fostered by our parents, and to reclaim their sense of self through growth and understanding.
To reiterate, I grew up with having a hostile relationship with my mother. Being a mother she took care of me and my sibling, as what the responsibilities of one should, however there was obvious favoritism and I always blamed for my siblings wrongdoings.
I didn't have the stand to defend myself as she viewed it as talking back and being disrespectful. She also holds narcistic traits such as entitlement, ignorance when she can't hold accountability of her faults, and overall lack of empathy for others. Her behavior altered my perception of love and care, as if I have to commit her requests because she's done so much for me already but it was just basic needs such as "having a roof to live under", "being in school" etc. I should be grateful with what I have despite what sadness I was dealing with that revolved living with her and dealing with her outburst behaviors...
Act 1 - Questioning
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Am I enough?
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Audio muffled conversations, echoing voices
Act 2 - Emotional conflict and guilt
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Chaotic type featuring words such as selfish, ungrateful, etc.
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Ingrained comments and phrases that my mom has said to be that still lingers through my mind time to time
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Childhood photo distorted accompanied with questions of self-doubt
Act 3 - Breaking away
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Poem
Act 4 - Realization
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Learning that my emotions matter and that I'm my own person
The opening and first scene I wanted to visually depict overthinking in the mind. Having the words echo off each other fading in and out - slowly creeping its way back in the mind zooming in again. A continuous battle on oneself. I also added a muffled audio of an argument stock audio for that overwhelming feeling For visuals I overlayed with a glitch texture and a blue gradient. The primary color throughout my design are tones of blue to reflect vulnerability as the color is identified with sadness. The second color I used is red as my moms voice for text, I chose red to represent power as she overpowers me with her words and anger.
Using After Effects as the main program for my motion design,
I experimented with layering different stock video overlays from Vecteezy (vecteezy.com) and played around with different exposures. Since there was a lot of layers and balancing the different overlays I created comps for each scene so it would be a little more organized in terms of the timeline and put all the comps together in one once finished. Below is a screenshot overview of the work area in AE, for the text animations I used the Animate feature and worked around with numbering and keyframing for smooth movements
This scene is like a flashback or memory. In designing this I scanned an old photograph and made it into a cutout. I also used the 3D camera to create some depth so it doesn't look too flat. This is the only scene where the font style is different and I wanted it to be different from the rest to represent not only a memory but also writing down in a diary, which is why I chose a font that looks handwritten and added the effect of it being written through the pen tool and masking. Supported with audio of me reciting the phrases, sound overlapping each other and panning left and right
Core Message
Secondary Message
Background
Script and Drafts
Act 1 Questioning
Act 2 Emotional Conflict and Guilt
Act 3 Breaking Away
Act 4 Realization
The next two scenes focus on kinetic typography. "I walk on broken glass to avoid confrontation" To emphasize the hostile state of my household and how I have to be careful talking around my mom to prevent any arguments that she will randomly create. I added a video of glass breaking in the background and made the text glitch to represent the feeling of being confronted as its so sudden and abrupt. My voice being silent and overall feeling drowned as she always talks over me due to her entitlement as the older adult and parent. Following this I made the text animation "smearing" down as if its actually being pulled underwater
The third scene I wanted to make a bit more chaotic as it focuses on some of the words she's told me. I made the text animation static like and slowly move fast as each word changes to visualize being constantly degraded
This scene is a poem I wrote to express the longing and frustration of wanting an emotionally available parent but having to mask that want as it seems unattainable. I wanted to express the emotions of growing up with having a strained relationship with my mother by lack of love and the effects of their narcissist behavior
"I’m an extension of her but don’t want to be like her. Without a mothers love, loneliness takes over. A lost childhood full of haze. Desperate for someone to notice her presence. The forgotten one but the most needed. Yet criticized for every right or wrong doing. Believing the role to be a caretaker and please everyone. Keeping situations in tune to avoid disputes. Her sense of self was lost while giving her all"
Collage of scanned photographs from childhood. This scene serves as a reflection of my entire being and looking back to the past as to how it brought me to where I am now and how I am as a person. As for the text effect, I learned from a youtube tutorial
The ending scene of coming into terms that I shouldn't let my moms ingrained words and her behavior let hinder myself. I brightened up the background and added a video of streaming lights in the back to represent a new stream of consciousness, the mind reaching enlightenment and clarity - breaking away from the darkness of my thoughts.
"As a daughter, I resent you. As a human, I want the best for you" This sentence I wanted to end the video with. No visual accessories and just the text on a plain black background to leave a short yet powerful message.
An understanding that she may not have been the best mother but looking back I know now that she tries her best to provide for me whether or not I can change her behaviors. I wouldn't define resentment as a grudge but more so resentment wondering why did that happen? But I can’t change the past and coming to an understanding of the parents point of view, "I want the best for you". While understanding doesn't excuse them but to move on. In hopes of the overall outcome for when my mother views my thesis, I want her to also understand my point of view as there are words that I couldn't say throughout our relationship and bottled up emotions.